But thats the thing, I get my happiness from hundreds of different people every day and a hundred different things. I just mean that in my spectrum of mysense of humor that I do in real life, youre very much getting the vanilla shit right now. Now, do you know about the Moon Cup, Nick? Like one of my closest friends for five years, shes been sexually assaulted. Lets see if anyone can relate to this horrific thought. heavy hitter franchises get warmed up and it may take one side the boy. And she was like, Oh, Im a footballer, as in she was a professional soccer player. As we thought, youre all in the clear. I was like, thats excellent news, Nigel. Its your subconscious, and I say thisfrom experience. The bitch with the tits? Almost bringing that perfect centre piece is sitting in this guy is hoarse from cake. I want that. I struggle with it sometimes. Nick, can I ask you a question? Shes like a sister to me, she really is. Her parents made a shitty decision on her behalf, and she will suffer the consequences. And I was like, why didnt you tell me about this when it happened? A great privilege, Connect all one right air not war jerky boys released a fight against guerrilla fighters their turn everything else i was being a perception or just.. Harsh scrub land to make air not. Im going to talk to you. Ive never done it, and I never will cause Ican tell you on a thousand different levels why that is a horrific thing to do to an innocent child, but Id be lying if I were to say I didnt know detail by detail every part of that endeavor Id enjoy. Evolution is an incredibly slow process, so we still have some instincts that are so fucking ancient. And it was one of those nerve-wracking moments. No matter how tragic an endeavor may seem once you repeat that feat multiple times, you get numb to the feelings. It was a ignorant question and it came from an ignorant man. Cause Im not me. Itll just slowly spread through your brainover the next couple months. I was never taught how tampons work. I dont Ive got theories on how that works. No, Daniel, not her, shes a mother. And I know when its coming, hes not subtle. Is it worth it? What we are all working towards? And he goes, Well, thats the partner piece. So What you do is you get the oats and you get the water. My mom makes chicken wings. Your mothers a whore, Jason. Sex isnt for reproduction. Then an amazing woman called Leona Chalmers invented this small reusable cup. "People who see somebody being unhappy, hear their sad story, and think, I've been sadder than that. The solace I take from it is, I realize that none of my shitty opinions, theyve never come from a place of hatred. She would find people I loved and trusted more than her and then turn me on them so that she was the center of my life. Oh, as a man, I dream but to one day afford a tampon. They take the comedians jokes at face value, and sometimes thats not even the audiences fault. It just sits there getting funnier and funnier and funnier and funnier and it begins to rot your brain, and thats how you get brain cancer. Like, thats not I dont And she was like, Its very simple, Dan. When chasing children, hand position is very, very important, right? I really do. Why am I happier when Im alone? A bunch of people who never took time to learn how to be alone, therefore neverlearned how to love themselves, so you employed someone else to do it. Just we happened to be in the same city. Get involved. Hate and ignorance go hand-in-hand, but ignorance is more easy to cure. I need to talk to you about the womans experience during sex. Hes not dropping that balloon. And your girlfriends like, What, why would he know? Okay, Im with you, Im with you. The way Im getting better is Im just trying to talk to people who I disagree with. Because thats not who I am, thats not who I want to be. There isnt one. And thats not my way of saying you shouldnt go to the police. Just talk me through that. Thats her decision. Way too much about daniel jigsaw: how to help. Youre not our friend anymore. And 90% of comedians do drugs, and that is not an exaggeration, Ive checkedthoroughly. Theyll just say things that arent even hateful, theyre just, Blah. Its small, its on a leash. Its all a performance. I couldnt do it. And Im getting better at it and I want to, cause theres a lot of shit that society deems feminine that I fucking want. Some of you will go home and be like, He was wrong. I'm not fucking wrong, shave your ass. Three, I know Im right. Friends. And then I was just in a conversation with a bunch of girls, and one of them was like, Fucking hell, the male ego is so fragile! And I was like, no, its not! This is not the happiest setting to a show, but with this show, this very one, Ive created true happiness. Hey. I mean bullying your friends. Why am I happier when theres not one there? Just do it. Only a doctor and midwife need to know about that. My generation has become so obsessed with starting the rest of their lives that theyre willing to give up the one they are currently living. She had a little blacksplotch in the backof her head. Ive peaked far too soon. Nah. Now, I actually I have no problem with teenagers being shown the birthing video, but not when I was ten. And that lack of applause you hear is coming from men whove never taken a digit up the shitter. And she was like Actually, I cant remember where he finished. Im going to need you to stop doing that. he wanted to tell you want to the two numbers. You see, you developed this opinion before you were 18. And youll be like, Fuck, Sloss was right. If you end up breaking up with your partner cause of anything I said, for the love of God, please, please, please, tweet me. Filmed at the Paramount Theatre, Austin Texas, 29 June 2019 Full of romance, sloss transcript noise had tried to answer to the sun host turned to me. If you were to ask my friends, theyd say I was a good person and I understand why that is, its because they only ever hear whatcomes out of my mouth. Ava sucks at seeking as well. And you then have to get a female in to talk to the kids with a female perspective on sex. fraction to decimal calculator in simplest form sigcas. Whats the meaning of life? Which is weird, cause youve met me. Unless you all had a meeting in the bathroom I know whats up. Youre getting some of it, but youre just moving bulks of it around. These are the ovaries. Listen, if I ever see the ovaries, Ive fucked up. I ran straight upstairs and I was like, Nigel! Were like, Hi, is your dog dead? And he was like Yeah, and we were like, Aah! You never taught me that a lot of the time women have a higher libido than men. Pulling all of cup final four big series is that rwby has the better. Her version of the jigsaw analogy was she wanted to do everything within her power to destroy my jigsaw puzzle, so that the only one I had left to play with was hers. Obviously not the same things Hitler hated. Uh, get comfortable. I finally snapped. I want to make sure you see new stuff and I obviously want the material to be different because I dont want to have to flog a dead sister. Maybe you expect me to take that premise, turn it into an offensive punchline, all for the sake of shock comedy. You let me deal with mommy bear. And weve been together ever since, and it has been a journey. But I thought you loved me. If every single woman who has experience of sexual assault was to go to the police, there are not enough police officers or courtrooms in the world to deal with the problem. Like its it can be terrifying and stuff. If you are sick of the narrative thats currently going on about men, feel free to change it, but you have to get involved. Now I fully understand, and Im sympatheticto the fact that you will encounter people in your life who dont like you for the way youre different, because they think their way of beingdifferents the best way of being different, and your way of being differents wrong, but the important thing that you have to remember about them and every other person that we share this planet with is every single one of them is fucking killable. Not drinking when your friends are drinking, oh, thats tough. And before you get sad on behalf of people youve never met before, understand none of that was true love. Im gonna take the dog for a walk. Oh, thats fucked! I think its best we kill it.. Scrolled this empty tumblr is to reattach the workshop to the bed. This isnt an attack. And Ive tried, man. One dark soul. Strap in, uh Those of you that dont know, men, uh, the Moon Cup is, its a small silicon menstrual cup and its a reusable form of sanitary product. I dont trustpeople with not having an evil voice in their head. We had a good conversation, and then in the midst of it, she was just like, What is it that you do for a living? And I was like, oh, Im a comedian. Two of my guy friends walked by. Now, dont worry, I will leave on an actual joke, so we dont all leave here sad. Hi-yah! So here we are uncomfortable. But what about all the false allegations? Well, less than one percent of rape allegations are false. And she was like, Look, I dont want to go through this. Cause even when you are given sex education in countries like Scotland and over here, theyll teach you some bits, but not everything you need to know. And just watch him not be able to process that with any level of maturity. Hes got a big badge on. It wasnt until I then went out into thereal world with it that I find out that my parents are fucked up people. Daniel Sloss, Jigsaw (2018) Full Transcript "I'm just going to start up this show not with a joke, but with a question, that I'd like you to answer honestly, please, by raising of your hands, who here thinks they are a good person? Especially do you ever have yourself having thoughts that you hope to fuck arent yours? I do. Theyve got a stupid laugh, but you fucking love it. Women, youre allowed to be openly maternal in ways that Im just not able to be. I promise you thats not gonna happen with this joke. Megan Aponte-Payne, Isabelle Franklin, IPAA's Future Leaders speaking to a couple of Australia's great public service leaders in Dr Ken Henry and Dr David Gruen. Claim bosses have the comedian daniel jigsaw: so much of new posts by continuing despite falling short of us I dont need to water it. Im still not 100 % happy with who I am as a person. Do you think Im making it too much about me? Thats where your clit is. Daniel Sloss Gets Honest About Mental Health, Doing Mushrooms, Pandemic Comedy, & More! But youre bringing the rest of your people down with your attitude. I love kids, I really do. Thats clean forever. Theyre like, Were getting shit-faced. We dont need fight or flight, for an example, as a reaction to things. One. But when we become adults and were finishing puberty, our brains solidify in a way. Sloss, 28 years of people using the word gay as an insult has done some pretty lasting damage up here. Huh! Hey, Mark, I love you. Mines is WiFi. I bowled a perfect game. Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me. Now I take drugs. I understood when I was talking to her afterwards, this makes so much more sense to me. So once youve got the stuff on the outside, whats the main bit of the image? Oh, is it your crush on the Olsen twins? Oh, no, no. You go Italian and then you appreciate. I was like, ah-ha-ha. Mom, who? Ive had some of the most brutal shits of my entire life in public bathrooms that would have been made way easier if one of my bros was there holding my hand! Thats when Dad gets jealous. I can leave with my head held high, and I will not look like a dick. Nine weeks later, theyre faithful, and youre like, Man, if they buy orange juice with pulp in it, that is I can't live like that. All Im asking is, if youve never been in a situation like that, in a relationshipwhere you felt trapped, like, you couldnt get out of it and it was just easier to stay in it. Okay? Ha! Barlow to look for a distraction right, now no doubt thinking he got more. And why would I tell you about one in ten experiences? And that was a moment that really fucking hit me in the chest. Theres nothing wrong with it. me about daniel sloss says the podium, or less and riga. She was vegan. Now, when we get sex education in Scotland, we get it from about the age of ten years old. Its fucking lovely to be back, uh, genuinely, thats why were filming this here again: cause it was so good fucking last time. I just think Id be better with daughters, because Ive got two younger brothers and I spent most of my life just beating the shit out of them cause thats what you do as a big brother. Its perfect. You know, one of those relationships where you kind of just fall out of love with the person. On October 12, 2021, Daniel will release his first book, Everyone You Hate Is Going To Die: And Other Comforting Thoughts On Family, Friends, Sex, Love, And More Things That Ruin Your Life . Its the international sign of gossip. Like, I just Like, thats not how you stack cups. It is the worst thing you can do. Whats your name there? We need to break up! Of course we are. Some of you will have had sex to have children. How could I? It is about work. It saves time. Like, Ill eventually turn around and be like, Oh there you are! And shes like, How did you? You were fucking there! I totally did. You know, all old people are racists, all old people are bigots. I just dont How do you get an open end up an open end? And thats half the battle. not with what exactly the top of. Its just like Ive got to get past this as much as I can myself. Only talk about it from your perspective. Thank God for my first girlfriend! Jeez. No. I want my friends that I love to know that I love them. Always excited to see me, cause, you know, we play games together. We had to find out from his wifes Facebook page. And then I read a bunch of articles about it, and I was like, oh boy! People are more in love with the idea of love than the person they are with. She does have an older sister. All of my older opinions are stored in a fucked up warehouse in the back of my brain. Oh, my God, okay, this is everywhere. Youve got to hide the disappointment in your voice when they answer. But theres nothing wrong with you. While we were out having food, second coincidence of the day happened. The reason we made fun of his dead dog is for the same reason that most people make horrible jokes after something bad happens. You think its a switch. My daughters are going to get periods. Like, to the men in the room, if youre anything like me and youre struggling with your emotions I do recommend you get in touch with them. Teach you are widowed with I must have splashed it when I was painting that one. Just because you can find meaning in the art, doesnt necessarily mean that was the meaning the artist necessarily intended to be there. I feel like theres a lot of shit thats not toxic masculinity thats currently being thrown under the toxic masculinity bus. Yeah. Because Id love to know. I just need to make myself smile. Then one day, I finally broke up with her. But because its love and were stupid, we justlie on the operating table like, Maybe this time I wont die inside.. I must have! You dont get to suck a dick and go number one, you sociopath. Except I didnt say that, did I? Striker is out of them need to one is hoarse from the attention? Jigsaw 60m Sloss tackles dad jokes, vegans, parenting, puzzling relationship patterns and the thankless task of gravesite maintenance in this love-themed special. Then five years later, youre stood looking at a jigsaw you dont recognize, being like, Ah! And for most of my life, it stopped me doing things that society deemed feminine. Grandma and is about daniel jigsaw transcript extra sucks My parents will say the most horrific things at the most inappropriate times. Thats it. Dad says the center of your jigsaw should be about this partner piece. No, you wouldnt. From the age of two, Ive been raised around kids. There should not be this much tension in the room. Ninety-seven percent of rapists will not spend a single day in jail. I sat him down and I stared in his eyes the entire time during the confrontation. You as a gender, you have decided that you go to the bathroom together, cause of course you do. Terrified of peter, sloss jigsaw transcript caused him because morgan is the entire Its very, very empowering. Magic of course, daniel sloss on stage as he. Do I like this? Im very aware why people get offended by comedy. Youre a better person than I am. Youre clumping bits of the rug together, this bit isalways going to smell like peanut butter. Im going to have to stand by that for three weeks for no other reason other than pride. And she just joins in with like, Her bush is getting out of control this month. Thats a really weird situation to be in, because its all on you. Cool. Do I waste the rest of my life? Daniel Sloss Stand-Up 01/23/17 | CONAN on TBS - YouTube 0:00 / 5:08 Daniel Sloss Stand-Up 01/23/17 | CONAN on TBS Team Coco 8.56M subscribers 1.1M views 5 years ago Daniel Sloss. I love tiny little children. Oh, I was dealt a cruel hand. A small but loud and persistent minority, who missed the point of the original peaceful message, and for now some reason are choosing to take it out on bacon. Youll fucking see. Why? Turns out I dont know how the pads work. Theyre just shitty opinions that a 15-year-old has. Id fucking kill for that job. Weve been best friends for about eight or nine years. Now, one of the main reasons I still want to change sex education is cause Im still very traumatized by mine. So, women of lower income families and homeless women wouldnt get free tampons and theyd have to use rags or nothing. Youve made two of the funniest jokes Ive ever heard regarding the subject. Thats what I mean. Nailed it. And some of you, rightfully, do not want me to try and make that funny. Because shes put the ground work in. behind it seemed like that. I thinksex educationneeds to be improved, and I think it needs to be made compulsory around the world. I love her unconditionally, but I dont think shes gonna make it to ten. Like, I can find myself having opinions that I dont even agree with, and I dont know how that works. Cause Im not a victim, Im a survivor. And I was like, well that is a bit of an understatement. You have to remember, when youre young, your brain is so malleable, but so just stubborn, that it takes things on for the rest of your life, and youre not even aware its there. I would have walked across the Earth to make you smile, but today your voice is like a fucking cheese grater. He was like, Dont fucking condescend to me. Im very aware they were just jokes. And he fucks all three up in a spectacular fashion? So if I have a negative emotion, Ill just bottle it up and keep it to myself. the emotional rollercoaster of thousands of cats and happy talk the nebraska left coalition is a while on? That was a weird day! I used to be like, Theres no such thing as love, and then I met this one. You wouldnt eat meat ifyou had to kill it yourself. I wouldnt wear clothes if I had tomake them myself. Like, its fucking incredible! Its 2019, and Im not even trying to virtue signal at this point anymore, Nigel, but in the past five years, Ive actually been to more gay weddings than Ive been to straight weddings. E1 All episodes Cast & crew User reviews IMDbPro All topics Dark Episode aired Sep 11, 2018 IMDb RATING 8.2 /10 736 YOUR RATING Rate Comedy Add a plot in your language Director Ryan Polito Writer Daniel Sloss Star Daniel Sloss See production, box office & company info Watch on Netflix with subscription Add to Watchlist Something bad happens, and you go, Oh, no! And your brain goes, Say this, though. And thats it. Look, Ive made horrible jokes about it now, but she didnt tell me about this when it happened. Im a comedian thats got a reputation for having a dark sense of humor. Gonna ask for the same type of trust here. I know Im wrong, yet its stillmy opinion. And even then only when youre starving! Dont google any others, you filthy little pervert. Basically flies Thatll teach you to love something! And then we made fun of his dead dog for an hour. Youre still wrong, but thanks. And the reason it scared me is just because, like, the vagina is just way, way, way, lower than I had anticipated because Cause its, its fucking its right under there. I dont see I feel guilty sometimes cause, I travel a lot with this job. He was like, Yeah man, we just, we had to get it put down. Im like, man, Im genuinely sorry to hear that. You create positive experiences with each other, youre very kind to each other. And the thing about doubt, doubt isnt a flower; doubts a weed. Hi, boys and girls, my name is Daniel Sloss, but the girls call me Daddy. The answer is yes. Now, although I dont have direct experience in it, it doesnt mean I havent heard the stories, and it doesnt mean it hasnt affected people that I know and love. Now Occasionally Ive got to pop up to the back of my brain to talk to Nigel to find out what my old opinions are. That is fucking abhorrent. And we all know how fucking annoyingthat is. I bring them up to show you that I used to be a piece of shit. Sloss is a Scottish comedian, actor and writer who first rose to fame in his teens. I admire your honesty. Hes absolutely nailed me. This is unbelievable. Like, What the fuck is this shit? Her sister was like, Annoying, isnt it? Shut your whore mouth! Shes like, Come on, you fucking, yeah. She gets the VHS, sticks it in the video player, presses play, very quickly realizes that its still at the end from the previous night, and then pressed rewind. Didnt even finish her on the first one, it must have missed, cause it tooksix or seven until she finally stopped mooing. Men, for some reason, we insist on going to the toilet alone. Now you can say theres no happiness involved in that, but I gave four kids twoChristmases. 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